Be careful what you send me. If it says "FWD:" anywhere in it, I will automatically erase it, and I will judge you. Wanna hear more? The answer is yes, you do. You have no choice. Actually, in reality, you could just stop reading, which would be a pretty good alternative if you were a cruel, heartless person who hates laughter and humor of any sort, and wants to break my heart by not reading this. Did I make you feel bad? Good. Read on, please.
My mother likes to send me all the forwards that I saw six years ago, like "OMG SO CUTE, A LITTLE KITTEN SLEEPING NEXT TO A BABY DEER ON SOMEONE'S RATTY OLD COUCH WITH UPHOLSTERY FROM THE '40s! WHO LET THAT DEER IN THEIR HOUSE?" or maybe "LOLZ FUNNY PICTURES OF DOGS EATING OFF THE TABLE AND WEARING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!" with the exception of the ones that say "SEND THIS BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, OR ELSE A LITTLE GIRL WITH TWELVE HEADS AND SERPENTS COMING OUT OF HER EYE SOCKETS WILL SHOW UP IN YOUR BEDROOM AND HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL UNTIL GOPHERS INHABIT YOUR BODY AND YOU HAVE TO DRINK BATTERY ACID WITH SATAN FOR ETERNITY," or something like that.
I've started erasing my mother's emails if they have "FWD:" in the subject. Am I a mean daughter? Possibly. Thanks anyways, mom.
I have friends that still send me forwarded text messages. Do other people still do this? I have no idea. Either way, if you're sending me a text message about what a good friend I am to you, write it yourself, bro. If, when I open said forwarded text message, it plays the theme to Titanic, just stay home and talk to your cats, instead. Thank you. I'm sorry, that's a little harsh. I'm sure Fluffy would love to hear about your problems. P.S. The same goes for those of you who think you can sneakily post the same sappy message on my Facebook wall. Stop. Thank you.
P.S. I want this:
My mother likes to send me all the forwards that I saw six years ago, like "OMG SO CUTE, A LITTLE KITTEN SLEEPING NEXT TO A BABY DEER ON SOMEONE'S RATTY OLD COUCH WITH UPHOLSTERY FROM THE '40s! WHO LET THAT DEER IN THEIR HOUSE?" or maybe "LOLZ FUNNY PICTURES OF DOGS EATING OFF THE TABLE AND WEARING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!" with the exception of the ones that say "SEND THIS BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, OR ELSE A LITTLE GIRL WITH TWELVE HEADS AND SERPENTS COMING OUT OF HER EYE SOCKETS WILL SHOW UP IN YOUR BEDROOM AND HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL UNTIL GOPHERS INHABIT YOUR BODY AND YOU HAVE TO DRINK BATTERY ACID WITH SATAN FOR ETERNITY," or something like that.
I have friends that still send me forwarded text messages. Do other people still do this? I have no idea. Either way, if you're sending me a text message about what a good friend I am to you, write it yourself, bro. If, when I open said forwarded text message, it plays the theme to Titanic, just stay home and talk to your cats, instead. Thank you. I'm sorry, that's a little harsh. I'm sure Fluffy would love to hear about your problems. P.S. The same goes for those of you who think you can sneakily post the same sappy message on my Facebook wall. Stop. Thank you.
P.S. I want this:
Another P.S.I never showed you guys my amazing sock...
*Sigh.* It's so anatomically correct...
UPDATE: If you go like Pork on a Fork on Facebook, I will... take pictures of myself in Lady GaGa's next outfit. How's that for motivation? Done and done. Also, I won't look like a loser will be very appreciative. You can tell whenever I put up a new post right from your news reel on Facebook. Fancy.
UPDATE AGAIN: Okay guys, here's the thing. I want your ideas on what I should write about, because during the Summer, I turn into a hermit with no human interaction, so my inspiration/intelligence is out the window hanging from a telephone pole I care. Tell me what pisses you the FUCK off. Sorry I said fuck. I might even decide to make it into a video, if I have enough motivation to make myself look presentable. Write it in the comment box. E-mail it to me. Post it on my Facebook page. Send it with a carrier pigeon, if you would like, as long as I get to keep the pigeon. I will name him Ronaldo.
Also, sorry this post looks like a bowl of Alphabet soup. If you continue to read my blog after you read this, I will be forever yours.
