Infants and Lobsters are NOT interchangeable

So as you all know, Halloween is this Sunday, and I’m eagerly waiting for my mom to open up the bags of candy for the Trick-or-Treaters so I can swoop in and steal half before she puts it in the bowl for the little ankle-biters. Just kidding, I like kids. Kind of. So, in light of the candy-bingeing, potential-pedophiles-handing-out-candy-to-little-kids, verging-on-Satanic holiday that is Halloween, I’ve attempted to come up with some fantastic costume ideas. Here they are:

A Sexy Feather Duster

Thanks, Lady GaGa, for this gem of a costume idea.

The Potential Baby Killer Holding the Pot

Really? Who does this?

A Very Clever Sexual Innuendo

You know you thought that, too.

A Cat

Just kidding. If you look really closely, you can tell this isn't actually a cat costume. It's a real cat. But I totally got you for a second, right?

A Douchebag

That's right. A big bag of douche.

See anything you like? I know, they're all brilliant. I try. Just for you guys. I don't have to try that hard to be awesome though, since it just kind of comes to me. Actually, I try way too hard. Coming up with ideas for blog posts isn't so easy. It's actually kind of challenging; especially for an extremely ADD person like me. See, here's a step by step on how I write a blog post:

Step #1: Sit down at computer.

Step #2: Applaud your extreme talent and sheer skill displayed while completing Step #1 and reward yourself with Oreos.

Step #3: Realize that you have no milk to go with your Oreos and go into the kitchen to fix that.

Step #4: See your iPod on the counter and realize that it needs charging.

Step #5: Plug your iPod into computer to charge it, and realize you haven't listened to your current favorite song in 3 hours and immediately play it.

Step #6: Hear a good line in the song and set it as your status message on Facebook. Check your newsfeed. Check your notifications. Respond to every one.

Step #7: Go to you blog, and click "New Post."

Step #8: Restart favorite song, and realize that you haven't played Pocket Frogs in about 2 hours.

Step #9: Play Pocket Frogs for an hour.

Step #10: Begin writing your new post.

Step #11: Spell check the first three sentences of your post, even though you know all of it is right.

Step #12: Pet your cat.

Step #13: Feed your cat.

Step #14: Dress up your cat.

Step #15: Laugh hysterically and take pictures of your cat and post them on Facebook with the caption: LOLZ My cat is totally hilarious in this Jester costume! HAHA MY CAT LOOKS LIKE A DOUCHEBAG AND I'M LOLING SO HARD.

Step #16: Tell everyone on Facebook that your new blog post is going to be hysterically funny, and they better read it or else you'll kick their ass.

Step #17: Have a 10 minute argument with three different people through Facebook Chat about how you COULD, in fact, kick their ass.

Step #18: Give up.

Step #19: Realize that you totally bragged about having an awesome upcoming blog post.

Step #20: Tell yourself that you can't get up until you finish your new blog post.

Step #21: Work your ass off coming up with an idea for your new blog post.

Step #22: Spend 20 minutes reading it over.

Step #23: Hit "Publish post."

Step #24: Go eat pizza with your mother, and think about the life that you totally need to get.

Come on now, REALLY? What is this?!

Oreos. The best thing since Jesus.

You know those days where you would stay home from school because you felt somewhat sick, and then halfway through the day, you would realize that you really didn't feel so bad, but you couldn't say anything, because then your mother would make you go to school for the rest of the day? That's what's happening right now. I actually don't feel so bad, but I also feel bad enough that I don't want to go to school but that's mostly just because I really dislike school but also because I don't feel good.

Technically, though, if I were to do something with my hair (as in make myself look like a normal human without my hair tied up in a ponytail on top of my head because it starts making the back of my neck itchy when I'm obviously just trying to lay on the couch like a lazy person and watch TV without any distractions) and put on some actual pants that aren't made of fleece with tiny Mickey Mouses all over them that my mom gave me as a Christmas present, I would be perfectly capable of going to school for the rest of the day. However, this plan is majorly flawed in my book, considering that it largely conflicts with my list of Things That Shouldn't be Necessary But Are, which includes:
Wearing pants
Attending school
Hairbrushes
Basic social skills
Doing anything productive in life

So obviously, spending the rest of today at school is not an option for me. Well it is, but I'm incapable of going but really because I'm lazy but also because I'm incapable, kind of. But anyways, just because I get to sit at home for the rest of the day watching TV doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want. Whenever my mother decides to stay home from work when I decide to be sick feel fatally ill, I have to follow certain guidelines, so she won't know think I'm somewhat faking. For example, singing along flamboyantly to karaoke videos of The Sound of Music is strictly off limits on these days. The hills are NOT alive.

Another things that is off limits is eating junk food. So you can imagine that this is challenging for me when there's two boxes of Oreos in my house just calling for me to eat them. (You must understand that Oreos are the single greatest thing to grace this sad excuse for a planet since Jesus or sliced bread or whatever you happen to think is great.) So when your mother goes out to get the mail, it always seems like a good idea to sprint to the pantry and totally binge on Oreos with marshmallows (It's delicious. Try it.) So there I am, sitting on the floor outside my pantry, stuffing my face with as many Oreos as possible before my mother gets back, my eyes darting between the front door, and the TV in the family room that I can just barely see over the counter from the kitchen floor.

When I finally got thirsty enough, I got up to get a drink, (directly from the jug, of course, because there's no time to pour it into a cup before my mom gets back), and I got totally dizzy, immediately remembering the reason that my mother doesn't let me eat crappy junk food when I'm sick. Needless to say, I hope my mother doesn't look in the box of Oreos, because she will be sadly disappointed...