Excuse Me, Waitor, There's Flies in My Everywhere.

Beach? I'd rather just swim in a pool, thanks. Honestly, I don't understand the appeal of beaches at all. I mean, sure, it's (sort of) fun to build things out of sands... like piles, or "mountains" as I like to call them, because I'm so innovative and artistic and also because I can't build anything else because the damn sand falls apart every twenty seconds. Other than that, the only things that stand out to me are flies all over the fucking place (sorry I said fuck), hairy old men in uncomfortably small speedos, and five hundred pound women in floppy sunhats and Crocs flailing their flabby underarm skin every time a wave hits them... Okay, that was kind of funny, but still mostly just disturbing. Why I hate the beach the most:
1. Sand... Everywhere
It's on my towel. It's on my feet. In my hair. In my bathing suit. In my everywhere. Who the HELL designs women's bathing suits? I would like a word with them, please, because putting a pocket area in the crotch of women's bathing suits is just super unneeded. What are YOU keeping there? I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep my important belongings out of the water and away from that area, thanks. I don't care how innovative and ingenious it seems to you when you come up with it. Don't do it... bitch. Oh, and those "convenient" openings in bathing suit tops that the padding comes out of? No. Negatory, you fucking moron creative gem of a person, you. Stop doing this. I don't need sand in those areas. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Salt Water in My Eyes and in My Ears and Up My Nose
Why would I want to swim in an oversized body of dirty salt water that has basically turned into a large wading pool for little kids to pee in when I can swim in a normal sized, clean pool? I understand that some people say a pool doesn't "give you the same experience as the beach," or whatever they like to say to defend their choices, and if getting hit in the yapper with a -10 degree wave every thirty seconds is your thing, I apologize. However, I'll pass on the getting tangled in seaweed and stepping on what I can only guess is countless numbers of rotting corpses and rusty nails laying on the ocean floor. I'll swim in a pool, where I can see what's in the water right in front of me, thanks.
3. People... I Hate Them More at the Beach
There's always the same crowd of people every time I go to the beach. There's:
-The leather lady who's been out tanning way too long... About fifteen years too long.
-The older, aspiring Arnold Schwarzenegger with peeling sunburn, flabby skin and tan lines from his "super cool" sunglasses wearing a speedo two sizes two small. There's just some things I wish I could unsee.
-The group of seven year olds screaming and throwing sand at each other three feet away from your towel. Have fun laying on piles of sand all day.
-The previously mentioned five hundred pound woman wearing bright blue Crocs that match her unflattering sunhat, flapping her arms like she's trying to take off every time a wave knocks her down.
-The group of obnoxiously disgusting teenagers who think blasting Lil Wayne from their crappy iPod speakers makes them the greatest thing on the planet. Unless you're listening to that one song that says, "Bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna," I don't want to hear it... That one line is really friggin' clever, though.