Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Favorite Least Favorites

You know those people who you purposefully try to avoid conversation with? I want to discuss this, momentarily. I can’t cover them all. It would take too long. Considering the fact that I actually really hate people about half the time, this post would be ridiculously long if I didn’t narrow it down a lot. Really, there could just be one massive group called “People” that would sum up the type of people that I try to avoid like a virus, and I end up seeing them everywhere, so I put an extreme amount of effort into staying away from them, and I end up going as far as hiding behind shelves of donuts in the grocery store, or darting into the nearest bathroom and counting to a million, hoping they’ll be gone when I finish counting and emerge from my cave bathroom. Here's one of my favorite least-favorites. It's one of the more least favorite favorites of all of my least favorite people. They may not be my favorite favorite people, but they're definitely some of my favorite least favorite people. I'll stop.
They are: The Stink Bomb
They ALWAYS smell. Whether it’s because they haven’t showered in one or six weeks, or because they have apparently never heard of toothpaste or breath mints, they smell terrible. I know a few people like this, and whether they’re a good person or not, I don’t know. Probably because I’m always trying to stay away from them. They could be the nicest person in the world. Maybe they read to the blind, and help old ladies across the street, and a lot of other nice things that I can’t think of right now because I don’t do that many nice things unless they involve eating chocolate or getting the opportunity to adopt a unicorn. Maybe I can eat chocolate with the blind, and adopt a unicorn that old ladies can ride across the street, instead. Who knows. Anyways, I’m not sure whether they’re actually nice people or not. A good indication would probably be the words that come out of their mouth, but I can’t really pay attention to the words because the only thing I can focus on that is coming out of their mouth is their terrible breath. So here’s what I try (maybe I can help you all out, too.): I try to put a little distance between myself and the person who I’m going to label Dumpster, because they smell a bit like that. Stand a few more feet away. If they’re one of those leech-like people, and decide to move closer again, and invade your personal space, move back again. They should get the hint. If not, I recommend something like this:

Try standing too close to me now.