Friday, June 3, 2011

Excuse Me, Waitor, There's Flies in My Everywhere.

Beach? I'd rather just swim in a pool, thanks. Honestly, I don't understand the appeal of beaches at all. I mean, sure, it's (sort of) fun to build things out of sands... like piles, or "mountains" as I like to call them, because I'm so innovative and artistic and also because I can't build anything else because the damn sand falls apart every twenty seconds. Other than that, the only things that stand out to me are flies all over the fucking place (sorry I said fuck), hairy old men in uncomfortably small speedos, and five hundred pound women in floppy sunhats and Crocs flailing their flabby underarm skin every time a wave hits them... Okay, that was kind of funny, but still mostly just disturbing. Why I hate the beach the most:
1. Sand... Everywhere
It's on my towel. It's on my feet. In my hair. In my bathing suit. In my everywhere. Who the HELL designs women's bathing suits? I would like a word with them, please, because putting a pocket area in the crotch of women's bathing suits is just super unneeded. What are YOU keeping there? I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep my important belongings out of the water and away from that area, thanks. I don't care how innovative and ingenious it seems to you when you come up with it. Don't do it... bitch. Oh, and those "convenient" openings in bathing suit tops that the padding comes out of? No. Negatory, you fucking moron creative gem of a person, you. Stop doing this. I don't need sand in those areas. Thanks, but no thanks.
2. Salt Water in My Eyes and in My Ears and Up My Nose
Why would I want to swim in an oversized body of dirty salt water that has basically turned into a large wading pool for little kids to pee in when I can swim in a normal sized, clean pool? I understand that some people say a pool doesn't "give you the same experience as the beach," or whatever they like to say to defend their choices, and if getting hit in the yapper with a -10 degree wave every thirty seconds is your thing, I apologize. However, I'll pass on the getting tangled in seaweed and stepping on what I can only guess is countless numbers of rotting corpses and rusty nails laying on the ocean floor. I'll swim in a pool, where I can see what's in the water right in front of me, thanks.
3. People... I Hate Them More at the Beach
There's always the same crowd of people every time I go to the beach. There's:
-The leather lady who's been out tanning way too long... About fifteen years too long.
-The older, aspiring Arnold Schwarzenegger with peeling sunburn, flabby skin and tan lines from his "super cool" sunglasses wearing a speedo two sizes two small. There's just some things I wish I could unsee.
-The group of seven year olds screaming and throwing sand at each other three feet away from your towel. Have fun laying on piles of sand all day.
-The previously mentioned five hundred pound woman wearing bright blue Crocs that match her unflattering sunhat, flapping her arms like she's trying to take off every time a wave knocks her down.
-The group of obnoxiously disgusting teenagers who think blasting Lil Wayne from their crappy iPod speakers makes them the greatest thing on the planet. Unless you're listening to that one song that says, "Bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna," I don't want to hear it... That one line is really friggin' clever, though.


The Goose said...

I feel the exact same way!
I never sit on a towel or really ever go in the water...
When I go in the water I end up becoming a torpedo. :(

I never liked beach people as all I hear is rap...
I would blast my metal, but I don't want a mob of fat people body slamming my mp3 player. (I don't use an Ipod..I dislike them a lot...Yes, I said "Mp3 Player" XD)

Last thing is...
I can say from "experience" is either you have Walmart bikini's or there is a secret place for your car keys...

Much love from Goose!

Rafa said...

Once you become a scuba-diver and see EVERYTHING that lives in the ocean, you'll get freaked out at the thought of just swimming in it. I love the ocean though, scuba and body boarding are amazingly fun. that being said though, I'm a dude and they don't give us sand-holding pockets in our crotch areas!

You should complain to your congressperson!

Anonymous said...

you're so wrong. I really liked yur blog because you're really funny and clever but now you've seriously offended me. I've gone to the best everyday over the summer my entire life, it's a really awesome place and holds a thousand happy memories for not just me, but everyone who goes there. I always though you were really great, but now you just seem like an ignorant little pussy whose tiny brain can't comprehend the vastness of the ocean. it is the source of such inspiration for artists like who you claim to be, and the vastness of it's depth makes it THE wonder of the world. I'm sorry it is far from "large wading pool for little kids to pee in" pools are the gross things, all those chemicals are harsh and unnatural, the ocean has been here long before you and will be here long after you. and yes, you can be " hit in the yapper with a -10 degree wave every thirty seconds" but thts because the ocean is vast and powerful and much stronger than a weak little thing like you. I wouldn't make jokes and disrespect something that can kill you in half a second. you think you're being funny and offbeat with your hilarious outlooks on the greatest body of water ever, but really? you're a whiny immature little kid who thinks it's funny to complain. I'm absolutely not going to 'make you famous' you smartass little cretian who knows nothing about life. say hello to your first hater bitch

The Goose said...

I LOL'd at anon!
Let's not be mean to someone like her?
You can be mean to me...hell gives me something to do.
But to Sara, she really doesn't deserve any of your rebuttals or hate.
So lets be reasonable before I tell everyone who you really are anon.

Sara, never fear for I am here!

Sara said...

LOL thanks, Jim. xD
To you, my dear anonymous friend,
I'm very sorry you cannot take a joke, in which case, perhaps you fit into one of the categories of people I described. This is my opinion, and if it is not the same as yours, let's all just be mature about it and respect that. I write observational humor. It's satirical. It's gonna step on a couple toes sometime. I would also like to add something, regarding your comment about not "disrespecting something that can kill me in half a second." I also disrespect velociraptors, which in my opinion, are much much more dangerous. They can kill me in even less time, but do I cut them any slack? Absolutely not. Just sayin'.

Vivian Nightshade said...

Whoa Anon, next time you argumentive rant hate someone could you at least use proper grammer, and spell check and proof read because I don't know about you but "gone to the best everyday over the summer my entire life" really makes no sense.

There are several things wrong with your statements:

"it is the source of such inspiration for artists like who you claim to be, and the vastness of it's depth makes it THE wonder of the world."----She never said she was an artist here, she's a blogger, and the wonder of the world is cookies.....and oxegyn, that one is very important and wonderful.

"but thts because the ocean is vast and powerful and much stronger than a weak little thing like you. I wouldn't make jokes and disrespect something that can kill you in half a second."---- Technically drowning takes 10 minutes.

Sara- I agree with you. Sand gets everywhere, even in places you never knew existed. Ever. And old men+speedos=eeeeewwwwy. But I still like the beach, not so much, but I enjoy seaglass hunting! :)

Rachel said...

ANON: Boo grow a pair and post a hate comment with your name you baby. We would all take you so much more seriously if you weren't a faceless anon.

ON TO THE BLOG. OY! Sara, this is amazing. xD So true, I love the beach, I grew up there... But dang, some of the people I have to deal with. xD I've met nice people on the beach, but I have also seen unpleasantries.... Such as a Speedo malfunction... on an ancient old guy, when he was coming up out of the waves. /cannot unsee @________@

Sara said...

I think I laughed much too hard at the "...Texhnically, drowning takes ten minutes." Thank you for that. Hahaha

And oi vey! Things you wish you could Unsee... #1 Speedos malfunctioning on old men. Dear Lord. Hahaha

And ahww, thank you very much for coming to my defense, all of you. Haters can never bother me when I have such good friends and fans. :D

ihateeverything said...

damn that's one uncalled for heckle from an anonymous person! which means that you're doing something RIGHT sara.

hahahahahaha i never knew that lil wayne was such a poet! i hate those teenage girls the most, especially when they do their hair and makeup to SIT IN FRONT OF A POOL!

Sara said...

Thank you! And yes, who knew Lil Wayne had it in him. He must've written up some awesome rhymes when he was locked up in the slammer. Good times. And I agree 100%. The extent some girls go to with the hair and makeup just to go sit by a pool seems a bit (very) unnecessary. Hahaha