Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Infants and Lobsters are NOT interchangeable

So as you all know, Halloween is this Sunday, and I’m eagerly waiting for my mom to open up the bags of candy for the Trick-or-Treaters so I can swoop in and steal half before she puts it in the bowl for the little ankle-biters. Just kidding, I like kids. Kind of. So, in light of the candy-bingeing, potential-pedophiles-handing-out-candy-to-little-kids, verging-on-Satanic holiday that is Halloween, I’ve attempted to come up with some fantastic costume ideas. Here they are:

A Sexy Feather Duster

Thanks, Lady GaGa, for this gem of a costume idea.

The Potential Baby Killer Holding the Pot

Really? Who does this?

A Very Clever Sexual Innuendo

You know you thought that, too.

A Cat

Just kidding. If you look really closely, you can tell this isn't actually a cat costume. It's a real cat. But I totally got you for a second, right?

A Douchebag

That's right. A big bag of douche.

See anything you like? I know, they're all brilliant. I try. Just for you guys. I don't have to try that hard to be awesome though, since it just kind of comes to me. Actually, I try way too hard. Coming up with ideas for blog posts isn't so easy. It's actually kind of challenging; especially for an extremely ADD person like me. See, here's a step by step on how I write a blog post:

Step #1: Sit down at computer.

Step #2: Applaud your extreme talent and sheer skill displayed while completing Step #1 and reward yourself with Oreos.

Step #3: Realize that you have no milk to go with your Oreos and go into the kitchen to fix that.

Step #4: See your iPod on the counter and realize that it needs charging.

Step #5: Plug your iPod into computer to charge it, and realize you haven't listened to your current favorite song in 3 hours and immediately play it.

Step #6: Hear a good line in the song and set it as your status message on Facebook. Check your newsfeed. Check your notifications. Respond to every one.

Step #7: Go to you blog, and click "New Post."

Step #8: Restart favorite song, and realize that you haven't played Pocket Frogs in about 2 hours.

Step #9: Play Pocket Frogs for an hour.

Step #10: Begin writing your new post.

Step #11: Spell check the first three sentences of your post, even though you know all of it is right.

Step #12: Pet your cat.

Step #13: Feed your cat.

Step #14: Dress up your cat.

Step #15: Laugh hysterically and take pictures of your cat and post them on Facebook with the caption: LOLZ My cat is totally hilarious in this Jester costume! HAHA MY CAT LOOKS LIKE A DOUCHEBAG AND I'M LOLING SO HARD.

Step #16: Tell everyone on Facebook that your new blog post is going to be hysterically funny, and they better read it or else you'll kick their ass.

Step #17: Have a 10 minute argument with three different people through Facebook Chat about how you COULD, in fact, kick their ass.

Step #18: Give up.

Step #19: Realize that you totally bragged about having an awesome upcoming blog post.

Step #20: Tell yourself that you can't get up until you finish your new blog post.

Step #21: Work your ass off coming up with an idea for your new blog post.

Step #22: Spend 20 minutes reading it over.

Step #23: Hit "Publish post."

Step #24: Go eat pizza with your mother, and think about the life that you totally need to get.

Come on now, REALLY? What is this?!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sorry about calling you "stuff..."

Math class makes me want to kill myself. Not literally, because that would probably be a slight overreaction, but it's still terrible. I haven't learned a single thing in that class since September. So basically, I entertain myself by writing letters to inanimate objects (except for God... and some other stuff. You'll get that one by the time you finish reading this.) I have about a million, but I'm going to try to control myself (something that I really need to work on) and only post a few.

Dear Saran Wrap,
Stop being so stuck on yourself. Stick to the plate, damn it.

Dear Lollipops That I Buy From Bed Bath and Beyond,
You're delicious, but I can't fit you in my mouth. (That's what she said.) You should do something about that.

Dear Michael Jackson,
Just kidding. You're dead.

Dear Readers,
Sorry about the Michael Jackson joke. I couldn't help myself. But you must admit, it was kind of funny, but also disrespectful, but also kind of funny, I think. Sorry again.

Dear Hollywood,
Stop procrastinating and make me famous, already. We all know it's destined to happen.

Dear Me,
That last letter was just terrible. I'm pretty sure no one want to see or hear you on TV. Or on tabloids. Or on the radio. Or anything else for that matter. You're completely ridiculous. Oh, and good job leaving your cell phone on the bus, dumb ass. I think I'm gonna go cry over some Oreos. Am I making you feel bad? Good. See what you do to me?

Dear God,
Are there skylights in Heaven? If there are, where do they lead? Aren't you already in the sky? Just wondering...
P.S.- Sorry about the Michael Jackson joke. Oh, and sorry about lying to my mom about not eating Oreos when I actually did...

Dear Readers,
Sorry about calling you inanimate objects in the beginning of this post. I didn't think that one through. But I did say "And some other stuff," so that kind of counts, right? Sorry about calling you guys "stuff." You mean much more to me than that.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oreos. The best thing since Jesus.

You know those days where you would stay home from school because you felt somewhat sick, and then halfway through the day, you would realize that you really didn't feel so bad, but you couldn't say anything, because then your mother would make you go to school for the rest of the day? That's what's happening right now. I actually don't feel so bad, but I also feel bad enough that I don't want to go to school but that's mostly just because I really dislike school but also because I don't feel good.

Technically, though, if I were to do something with my hair (as in make myself look like a normal human without my hair tied up in a ponytail on top of my head because it starts making the back of my neck itchy when I'm obviously just trying to lay on the couch like a lazy person and watch TV without any distractions) and put on some actual pants that aren't made of fleece with tiny Mickey Mouses all over them that my mom gave me as a Christmas present, I would be perfectly capable of going to school for the rest of the day. However, this plan is majorly flawed in my book, considering that it largely conflicts with my list of Things That Shouldn't be Necessary But Are, which includes:
Wearing pants
Attending school
Basic social skills
Doing anything productive in life

So obviously, spending the rest of today at school is not an option for me. Well it is, but I'm incapable of going but really because I'm lazy but also because I'm incapable, kind of. But anyways, just because I get to sit at home for the rest of the day watching TV doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want. Whenever my mother decides to stay home from work when I decide to be sick feel fatally ill, I have to follow certain guidelines, so she won't know think I'm somewhat faking. For example, singing along flamboyantly to karaoke videos of The Sound of Music is strictly off limits on these days. The hills are NOT alive.

Another things that is off limits is eating junk food. So you can imagine that this is challenging for me when there's two boxes of Oreos in my house just calling for me to eat them. (You must understand that Oreos are the single greatest thing to grace this sad excuse for a planet since Jesus or sliced bread or whatever you happen to think is great.) So when your mother goes out to get the mail, it always seems like a good idea to sprint to the pantry and totally binge on Oreos with marshmallows (It's delicious. Try it.) So there I am, sitting on the floor outside my pantry, stuffing my face with as many Oreos as possible before my mother gets back, my eyes darting between the front door, and the TV in the family room that I can just barely see over the counter from the kitchen floor.

When I finally got thirsty enough, I got up to get a drink, (directly from the jug, of course, because there's no time to pour it into a cup before my mom gets back), and I got totally dizzy, immediately remembering the reason that my mother doesn't let me eat crappy junk food when I'm sick. Needless to say, I hope my mother doesn't look in the box of Oreos, because she will be sadly disappointed...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Do frogs have paws? Just wondering...

Why does everyone look at me weird when I say that something "makes me want to punch babies?" I mean sure, I'm implying that I enjoy endangering the lives of tiny infants, but no big deal, right? Obviously, I'm me, so people should know better than to take everything I say seriously, because, let's face it, I'm a nutcase. A while ago, I was reading a post on Steam Me Up Kid (This is a link, by the way, even though it doesn't look like it), and she was talking about catchy catchphrases (does that even make sense?) that would look good on a T-shirt, so my first thought, of course, is "Oh my gosh, mine would be 'You make me want to punch babies,'" but then I decided that might not be a wise marketing move. So I came up with this, instead:

Awesome, right? I thought so too... I'm not sure, though. It still seems a little suspicious sounding. Oh well, maybe I'll come up with a catchier catchphrase, instead. So I was going through the documents on my computer, and I found some stories my friend and I had written that make me wonder what goes through my head. (You'll probably have to click on this picture so you can read it. It's pretty small.)
There are absolutely no words I can use to sum up the confusion I felt by the end of this. By the way, if you aren't aware of who Dwight K. Schrute is, you should be. It's this guy:

Not really sure why my friend and I decided it would be such a great idea to label this guy as our God, but we did, and the fact of the matter is, I think he's brilliant. Slightly frightening in an I-watch-you-sleep-from-outside-your-bedroom-window-at-night kind of way, and unattractive in probably every possible way, but brilliant. You know how that goes...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Microwave ice cream: Terrible, or Stupid? Both!

So I wrote this last night around 2 am, and I would've posted it right then, except for the fact that I was using my iPod to type it, and my iPod won't let me write anything on Blogspot, so I just had to write this on some dumb document app, and then transfer it onto my computer today. Anyways, see if this makes any sense to you. I'm at a loss. I just sort of get tired and write random words, hoping they'll make up sentences that actually make sense...

Is it bad that I thought it would be a great idea to microwave my ice cream so I wouldn't have to chew it? I can't decide what's worse: the fact that I am now basically eating mint chocolate chip yogurt (which I still have to chew, by the way... Stupid chocolate chips), or the sheer stupidity and laziness behind my actions. Really, is there an actual disorder that causes laziness? Because I think I have it.

Around 8:30 tonight, I realized I was thirsty. Two hours later, I still hadn't done anything about it. I guess I figured if I ignored my thirstiness long enough, it would just sort of go away, because I think I've done that in the past and it's worked. Although there's a lot of stuff that I think I've done, like succesfully do a load of laundry without my mother's help, or cook any sort of food without it coming out tasting at least faintly like cat litter; neither of which have actually happened. Anyways, this ignoring my thirsiness tactic sadly did not work... but gosh darn it, I was going to keep trying... That is, until I got to the point where my thirst was actually beginning to feel painful. I'm not sure how that works, but it does. So I decided to finally overcome my laziness (for the time being) and go get a drink. I think I swallowed a half gallon of juice in under a minute. And that is the exact moment when I realized that juice can, in fact, change your life.

So now it's 2:14 am, and I'm sitting up by myself, eating mint chocolate chip yogurt ice cream soup, watching an episode of That 70's Show that I've seen at least 4 times. This also involves watching the same Degrassi commercials every 10 minutes since I'm watching this oh-so-exciting rerun on TeenNick (which puts me in such a foul mood that I feel the need to run over every 10-13 year old girl.) ...Anything to avoid the commercials for horror movies on any other TV channel... So you can imagine how awesome I feel sitting here alone in the middle of the night, eating microwaved ice cream, watching 25% That 70's Show and 75% Degrassi commercials. Meanwhile, I could be doing something productive, like working on my senior demo project, or writing up my Human Biology lab, or sleeping, perhaps. Sleep would help, since Bestfriend is coming over tomorrow morning, and will literally come over with an airhorn and a megaphone if I'm not ready by then.

All this talk of sleeping makes it sound pretty appealing, so I think I'm going to attempt to try this whole "sleeping thing" that most normal people do, so I'll post this tomorrow (Since I'm writing this on my iPod which won't let me online, currently. And sorry if there's any spelling mistakes... it's challenging attempting to write entire blog posts on an iPod, but once again, laziness sort of takes over, and laying on my couch trying to write a whole blog post on a little iPod screen seems a whole lot more appealing than typing it at the computer, where I have to sit up in a chair and everything... Life is hard.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Scariest Moment of my LIFE


Kay, so I was just outside, walking my Chihuahua (or rather, standing in one place, yelling “GO TO THE BATHROOM!” very impatiently.)
(That’s how pretty I looked today.) So I’m just standing there, minding my own business, verbally harassing my dog as he’s attempting to find a spot to pee, and all of a sudden… BOOM! Out of nowhere, a HUGE leaf just nails me RIGHT in the face. And this was no ordinary leaf. It was GIGANTIC.
It was quite terrifying, actually. So don't laugh. I was scared for my life for just a second there. It's like this... Imagine you're just sitting in your room, eating a taco, daydreaming about the future, where you take over the world single-handedly (well, sort of. It's a robot hand, so you can shoot lazers and fire out of it, and it can turn into a chainsaw, or whatever. No big deal.) All of a sudden, out of NOWHERE, a MASSIVE leaf attacks your face. So of course, you're going to think, "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING, AND WHY THE HELL IS THERE A LEAF FALLING FROM THE SKY WHEN I'M IN MY ROOM?!? WHERE DID MY ROOF GO?!" You'd be pretty terrified. So it's like that, only I wasn't eating a taco, and I wasn't in my room... and there was no roof... and I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to miraculously grow a robot hand that can sporadically turn into a chainsaw... although things would have been exponentially better if I could. I could have chainsawed the shit out of that leaf. But whatever. I was terrified.

So it took me a good 8 seconds or so after it hit me to figure out what just happened. I mean, I guess I should have figured it out... It was windy. It's Fall (the time of year where all the trees decide to get naked... except for conifers... they're shy.) Wind+Fall=Leaves Plummeting Out of the Sky and Onto My Face. I wasn't immediately able to figure that out, though, so I stood there paralyzed in fear for about 5 seconds before realizing that I wasn't going to die.

It was an interesting experience, to say in the least. So I'm pretty sure that my neighbors think I'm insane. I might spend the rest of Fall in my house, going insane, just to avoid being nailed by giant leaves.

UPDATE: Told a few people about this later... Got laughed at by every single one. Yup. That's cool...