Saturday, July 2, 2011

Thank you, Dear Hater Bitch.

Recently, I have discovered the joy of having haters. These incredibly insightful individuals can look at my posts and find hidden meanings that even I was not aware of when I wrote them. To thank one of my favorite haters, in particular, I decided to respond to him or her in this here post, just to show my appreciation. Here is their comment to me, regarding This Post I had written about why I dislike the beach, and underneath is my response.

you're so wrong. I really liked yur blog because you're really funny and clever but now you've seriously offended me. I've gone to the best everyday over the summer my entire life, it's a really awesome place and holds a thousand happy memories for not just me, but everyone who goes there. I always though you were really great, but now you just seem like an ignorant little pussy whose tiny brain can't comprehend the vastness of the ocean. it is the source of such inspiration for artists like who you claim to be, and the vastness of it's depth makes it THE wonder of the world. I'm sorry it is far from "large wading pool for little kids to pee in" pools are the gross things, all those chemicals are harsh and unnatural, the ocean has been here long before you and will be here long after you. and yes, you can be " hit in the yapper with a -10 degree wave every thirty seconds" but thts because the ocean is vast and powerful and much stronger than a weak little thing like you. I wouldn't make jokes and disrespect something that can kill you in half a second. you think you're being funny and offbeat with your hilarious outlooks on the greatest body of water ever, but really? you're a whiny immature little kid who thinks it's funny to complain. I'm absolutely not going to 'make you famous' you smartass little cretian who knows nothing about life. say hello to your first hater bitch

Dear Hater Bitch,

      That is what you would like to called, is it not? You stated "Say hello to your first hater bitch," so I can only assume that this is what you would like to be called. First of all, I would like to thank you for the delightful compliments. They truly warmed my heart. However, I became somewhat confused at the point where you told me, "It's a really awesome place and holds a thousand happy memories for not just me, but everyone who goes there." For me, personally, I've been to the beach quite a bit over the span of my life, and I can most likely count the amount of happy memories I've had on one hand. One time, I found a bra stuck in a vending machine and laughed over it for a minute or two. This memory did, in fact, occur at the beach. Another time, I found a dollar near the beach; I bought a chapstick with it. I believe that this would also count as a "happy beach memory." Other than that, I am unable to recall other said "happy memories" occurring at the beach.
      Also, your statement, "It is the source of such inspiration for artists like who you claim to be, and the vastness of its depth makes it THE wonder of the world," confuses me quite a lot. Firstly, I cannot seem to recall claiming that I was an artist anywhere in this blog of delicious porkage, but one time I had to make a wire sculpture for an art class which sent me into a state of rage that I'd never experienced before in my life. After many attempts at forming the basic shape of a dog, and then a rabbit, and then a worm, I decided to make said wire sculpture resemble an iPod. In other words, it was a square. Made of wire. If that would constitute as "art," then yes, I am indeed an artist. Second, I would like to point out that there are seven wonders of the world, including The Great Wall of China, Petra, Christ the Redeemer, Machu Picchu, Chichen Itzu, the Colosseum, and the Taj Mahal. If you were perhaps looking for the seven natural wonders of the world, these would include the Grand Canyon, the Great Barrier Reef, the Harbor of Rio de Janeiro, Mount Everest, Auroras, the ParĂ­cutin volcano, and Victoria Falls. Not the ocean.
     I would like to thank you for your concern about my well-being, as you warned me that pools are full of harsh and unnatural chemicals, but if the ocean is in fact strong enough to "kill me in half a second," (which as my friend has stated, is untrue, as drowning technically takes ten minutes) I think I will take my chances with all of the chemicals. Thank you for the concern, though. Also, thank you very much for the kind comment, and I hope my response clears up any possible confusion or hard feelings. Please do not hesitate to comment if you decide to check in and read this. I would love to hear back from you, dear Hater Bitch.

P.S.- Apparently this is what people are interested in when they find my blog on Google...
P.S. Again- Go like Pork on a Fork on Facebook. I'll give you Oreos. Not really, but you'll help me not look like a loser. There's a super easy and awesome Facebook widget thingy on my sidebar here ------------------------------------------------> 

UPDATE: Suppose I were to create a Tumblr where I post pictures I've found or drawn or whateva when I don't have time to write a whole blog post. How many of you wonderful people would be interested in following this?

UPDATE: Said Pork on a Fork Tumblr has been created. Check it out Here. The URL is just, in case you're like, morally against clicking links or something or if you want to get it tattooed on your forehead or whateva, so... Go check it out so I look awesome. Thanks.


Rafa said...

Ha! from reading your fan-mail I take that the person responsible PROBABLY doesn't do "English" very well. They are probably also a little on the dumb side, as anyone who takes a general rant by someone they don't know as a personal attack on their memories might be. Anyway GOOD STUFF! and YES to Tumblr! I waste soooooooo much time on Tumblr i LOVE IT!

Sara said...

Thanks! I think I'll make a Tumblr over the next few days, and send a personal invite to this delightful person whom I've just written an entire blog post around. Haha :D

The Goose said...

Well, I hopped on your tumblr...I am Ihavegunsinmymouth...I think it's fitting right now..

I'll be here to troll in your honor!
And then some...

ihateeverything said...

hate on HATERS! hate mail is a sign that you're becoming a CELEBRITY! woot woot!

also, pork oreos are my newest obsession. only if the cream filling is pork-flavored.

Sara said...

Pork flavored Oreos sound promising. You should definitely contact Nabisco with that one. Is that who makes Oreos? I don't know...