All of my Cooking Equates to Cat Vomit. Roughly.

HEY GUYS. Blogger is being an ASSHOLE and it won't let me show you the picture of how I mutilate my seven year old sister's coloring books by turning Barbie into Medusa.

Anyways, I learned some valuable lessons last weekend. Number one: Reading is hard because TV. I'm sorry, professor, I understand that I was supposed to start reading chapter 10 of the Intro to Film book, but the TV was staring at me and how could I say no to just one little tiny short six hour marathon of America's Next Top Model? I couldn't do it; I gave in. (Heads up, I didn't try that hard to resist the temptation.) The second lesson that I've learned is that when thinking to myself "Maybe I should cook something," the appropriate response is always "DON'T." Nothing good could possibly come out of this. Here's where my traumatizing experience began. Bestfriend and I decided "Hey, let's make some homemade mac & cheese to go with this mysterious chicken we found in the freezer." Good start, already, I know.
     So we find this mac & cheese recipe with the pasta, and it seems good and legit, so we take out the salt, and pepper and dried mustard (by the way, have you SEEN dried mustard? It looks like cat vomit, guys! STAY AWAY!) and all this other shit, and put it in the pan. Then we pour in the milk. Oh WAIT, we were supposed to pour in the milk GRADUALLY? Shoot. So I was all "I'm sure it'll be fine, just mix it really well," and a minute later, Bestfriend is all "Hey, all this other stuff is stuck to the bottom of the pan, and it smells like it's burning." I tried to scrape it off the bottom of the pan while telling Bestfriend, "It's fine!" Bestfriend grated some cheese, which may I add, was the wrong kind (we used two kinds, and both of them were WRONG), and it got stuck in the damn cheese grater and EVERYTHING. DAMN IT. I had to mix the two kinds of cheese together, which absolutely enraged Bestfriend when I tried to mix it in a cup with a knife because she's really fucking weird or something. "A BOWL, Sara! A BOWL!" she exclaimed, angrily happily. We put the cheese in the burnt-milk-and-other-disgusting-things mixture, and watched it become a masterpiece! Just kidding, it smelled like burnt glue and sour milk.
      So we stupidly decided to continue trying to make this mac & cheese, and poured the burning-glue-and-milk-and-cat-vomit mixture into the other pan with the already cooked pasta in it. Yeah, Bestfriend and I destroyed one of the pans. GUESS WHICH ONE. Nevermind, I'll tell you, since I know you're all dying to know. It was the one with the burnt-milk-dried-mustard-cat-vomit shit in it. Dried mustard burns really fast and it really sticks to the bottom of a pan, I found out. So we poured our sad attempt at mac & cheese into a glass pan, put some more cheese over it, and put it in the oven for 30 minutes or something. Halfway through, I looked in the oven and asked Bestfriend if it was supposed to be bubbling, to which she replied "I don't KNOW, Sara, IS IT?" She wasn't very happy with me at this point, after the mixing-the-cheese-together-in-a-cup-with-a-knife ordeal. Ugh, WHATEVER.
     Our mac & cheese was a failure. If you were wondering what it tasted like, you should probably stop wondering, because it would ruin your appetite imagination is fun. Oh, and that mysterious chicken I mentioned earlier? It was fucking turkey. TURKEY. Who breads turkey and makes it look like chicken nuggets? Breaded turkey is like chicken nuggets for people who don't understand anything that is happening. So if I'm ever all "I think I'm gonna cook some lasagna," Please, SOMEONE, be like, "Hey, Sara, you can't cook for shit, and also, you don't even like lasagna, so what are you thinking?" Thank you. I can cross "Successfully cooking a meal," off the list of 'Things that will someday happen to me." It's right under winning American Idol. I crossed that off, too.