Thursday, November 18, 2010

How All of You Will Make Me Famous

I decided when I was about 11 years old that I was going to be famous. Almost every week, I would change my mind on what I would be famous for. Mostly, I changed my mind this often because I would realize that I sucked at all the skills needed to acquire my new-found goal. For example, first, I wanted to be an actress. Maybe I would be on some sort of sitcom, or even have my own show. A little while after I decided on this, I realized that I actually sort of suck at acting. Bestfriend and I were going to make a Youtube channel, and be witty and hilarious, like Nigahiga , or Charlieissocoollike. However, Bestfriend was all, “I don’t want to. I’m bored,” and I was all, “Shut the hell up. I’m acting. I’m trying to get famous here, jack ass.” And then I was like, “I wonder why Bestfriend puts up with me?” Then I remembered that it’s because I’m awesome… just not at acting.

After I had the great misfortune of watching myself back attempting to act, I gave up. My next genius idea was that I was going to be a singer. I was going to audition for American Idol and wow the judges with my fantastic-but-actually-mediocre-in-reality singing, and win the whole competition, and go on world tours and be awesome. It didn’t work out. Of course, you always sound better in your head than in reality. So while I tried to sing Mariah Carey like a champ, my dogs hid in another room to avoid my very unpleasant attempt at breaking the sound barrier. Now, let me just point out that I’m not actually a bad singer; I’m actually pretty okay at it. However, I’m pretty sure, had I tried out for American Idol, that Simon Cowell would have made a fool of me in my mediocrity.

So once I gave up on that, I decided that maybe I would be a famous dancer. Now, I’ve danced pretty much since I was born, and I think I’m pretty good at what I do, which would be tap, contemporary, and jazz. However, as an obsessed So You Think You Can Dance fan, each time I watch that show, my confidence in my own dancing shrivels up into a tiny, pathetic raisin of hopelessness (And this is the little reject raisin at the bottom of the box that you avoid touching at all costs, let alone putting it into your body and digesting it.) At first, I thought, “Hey! I’ll try out for So You Think You Can Dance! I can do it!” but I’ve pretty much given up on that goal, as well, although there’s still a tiny sliver of hope in me that says, “You can do it!” I can’t. Maybe.

So now, I’ve decided that instead of becoming a famous actress, or singer, or dancer, I’m going to be a famous blogger. Everyone is going to know what Pork on a Fork is, and I’m not talking about a piece of oily pig flesh with a four-pronged eating utensil shoved through it. I’m talking about this blog. So I googled, “How to be a successful blogger,” because Google knows everything, and also because I have no life and nothing better to do with my time because I care, and it told me that I should strongly encourage all of my readers to subscribe and tell their friends about me, but I don’t want to be an annoying blogger, so consider yourself strongly encouraged. Now you may be thinking, “Hey, Sara, what’s in this for me?” and my answer is, “Nothing.” Just kidding. See what I just did there? You got kind of angry there for a second, right? Well don’t worry, my friends. You will make me famous, and we will all reap the benefits of said fame. Here’s what you’ll get out of this nifty plan o’ mine:
-The satisfaction that you made me famous
-My extreme gratitude for you making me famous
-A unicorn
Just kidding. You don’t get a unicorn. But if you all subscribe, I’ll know you like me, and I’ll continue trying way too hard to make you laugh. Oh, and I'll definitely mention you in my internet acceptance speech.

P.S.- I was bored and decided to type my name into Urban Dictionary...

What the hell is that?! That is NOT cool.
Apology not accepted.


Christine said...

I claim the spot of being your first non-real life internet person who reads your blog because she bookmarked it after you adevertised it on TwoCans and turned out to actually be pretty entertaining and funny. I'll be expecting my plaque in the mail.

Also, the Captcha this made me write out to post this comment is a fun word. Catzings! Cat! Zings!

*coughs* Um, so, anyway.

Sara said...

Of course, there definately should be a plaque for something like that. I'll make one myself, if I have to... although it might just be like... a rock with your name written on it in black sharpie, because I'm not really talented with stuff like that.

And for sure, Catzings is a pretty fun word. It might be my new word of the week or something, and we should be super awesome friends, because you seem awesome. Haha. :D

And thank you, by the way! I really appreciate it! I'm glad I can make people laugh. :)

Metallus Floydicus said...


Sara said...

Haha I did no such thing!!!! D:

Rachel said...

Wait a minute. Hang on a second here. Are you saying that.... there are absolutely, positively, no unicorns involved in this plan? Because *maybe* I'll help make you famous for nachos and pizza, but I would kill people to make you famous, for a unicorn. :D

PS. I would never really kill anyone to make you famous. But I would really try hard if you gave me a unicorn

Sara said...

I am deeply touched that you would consider becoming a homocidal maniac for me. And as for the unicorns... no promises, but I'll try as hard as possible to get my hands on some, just to give them out to whoever helps me get famous :D

Vivian Nightshade said...

I want a rock with black sharpie on it *pout*