Wednesday, November 3, 2010

How I Know That Bestfriend is a Velociraptor in Disguise

I've known Bestfriend for almost thirteen years, so most would say I know her pretty well. I thought I knew nearly everything about her; however, based on my recent realizations, I have been proven wrong. For most of my life, Bestfriend has been my best friend, and up until recently, I believed that she was a regular human being with regular human-like characteristics and abilities (in other words: super powers.) However, I was terribly incorrect. Bestfriend is actually an extreme master of disguise and trickery. She is also a velociraptor. I am fairly sure of this; like 99% sure. Here's why:

1. Stealing My Food
It doesn't matter what it is. If I'm eating any sort of food, all of a sudden, it becomes Bestfriend's. Now, most of you would think, "Okay, so she's just really hungry and a master of food theft." This may be true, since velociraptors obviously have a larger appetite than humans. The problem with this theory is that, from my own observations, Bestfriend actually eats a relatively small amount of food. What she's trying to do is starve me. She takes my food as an attempt to do so. Starvation makes you weaker, and velociraptors detect any kind of weakness and immediately use it to their advantage. She's trying to kill me.

2. She Hates Climbing Stairs
Anyone who has seen Jurassic Park knows that velociraptors hate stairs. (Actually, I haven't seen Jurassic Park, but I've heard about this, I think.) Whenever I very nicely demand that Bestfriend go upstairs and get my whatever-I-currently-want, she whines, and says something about "being lazy." Hell no. You sure aren't lazy when you're diving for the bag of chips in my hand. You don't want to climb the stairs because you're a velociraptor, and velociraptors aren't good at stairs, I think.

3. She Carries a Big Shoulder Bag
That's where she keeps her firearms, I think. Although velociraptors don't need firearms, because they're already terrifying enough. Whatever. She has something suspicious and velociraptor-y in there. Besides the fact that she carries around her laptop, a book, her phone, a bottle of Snapple (probably doubles as velociraptor fuel or something), and other various thing, why else would she need a shoulder bag of this volume? Because she's a velociraptor, that's why.

4. She Tolerates Me
It's not just that. She chooses to hang out with me... all the time. Now, I understand that most people would say, "It's because you're her best friend!" You are sadly mistaken, my friends. I am her prey. She spends her weekends around me so that she can gain all of my trust and kill me when I least expect it. She's done a pretty good job with this task, too, since she knows almost everything about me... but I'm putting my guard up, now. I'm onto you, Bestfriend. I know what you're up to. You can't trick me.

P.S.- I felt it necessary to add something here. For real, Bestfriend is the greatest person I know. She's known me since I was four. From my perspective, most of what I say about her is fairly accurate. At times, I may accentuate some of her weird qualities to make my posts more interesting, but for the most part, it's true. Either way, Bestfriend is a pretty normal girl, only much more amazing and hilarious. However, by saying this, I am not dismissing the possibility that she still may be a velociraptor. I have my doubts, but you never really know, right? I'm about 99.9% sure she doesn't want to kill me, though. I hope. In case you thought she was some socially unacceptable, totally freaky chick/suspected raptor with serial killer-like qualities, you've been proven wrong...



Anonymous said...

Now, I'm just throwing this out here, but 99.9% is a thousand in one chance she IS trying to kill you, and thousand in one chances occur nine times out of ten. I'd say you should invest in a concealed weapons license. <- That is the opinion of the Internet! Thou shalt heed it or die by velociraptor!

Bill Y said...

After carefully reviewing the evidence I have to agree with you. Bestfriend is indeed a velociraptor. There's just too many coincidences for it not to be true.

Sara said...

Exactly. It all just seems way too convenient. I better start stocking up on firearms now that I know it's not just my imagination... Thanks for the input, guys.

Liz said...

OMG!! India"s been doing this ever since she meet me. Vegitarian my ass!!!!!

Sara said...

*Gasp* I bet India is a raptor, too... o.0

Anonymous said...

I always think I'm going to wake up one morning and be a velociraptor. Or an owl. Or a snowman. It's an obsessive fear.